I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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