come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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