Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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