he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
