you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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