HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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