so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
