you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
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He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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