dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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