I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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