I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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