...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
