He uses pillows to masturbate.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My vagina is officially offended.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
