God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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