i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
