be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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