I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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