so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
