lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
