I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
