Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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