How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just found a bag of teeth...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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