U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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