How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
