he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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