I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
