Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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