Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
