cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
