i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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