I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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