I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
