I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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