You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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