I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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