after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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