I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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