We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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