I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
