dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
