He told me they were just razor bumps!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
