shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I am available for nakedness
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
