forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
