They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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