Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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