I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
