I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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