The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
