i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
