Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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