Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
two words...techno handjob
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
