Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
