Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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