Are we in a gay sports bar?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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