I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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