you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
