I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
