I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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