i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
