You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
